P.O.O.P

no, the title is not an acronym, the periods are for dramatic effect. If someone came up and asked me "how do you know you are ready to have kids?" (Because of course, they know I am full of limitless knowledge and wisdom...) I would simply ask them, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you love to talk about poop?" And if they answer anything below an 11, they may not be ready.... So lets pretend this hypothetical couple actually answered "11" and they in fact, love talking about poop. I would advise them, that the next step to testing your readiness to parent, is to casually bring up poop in a regular, every day conversation. Preferably over dinner. Next time your spouse makes you dinner, lights the candles (because this is how I fantasize dinners to be like in childless homes), when your spouse asks about your day, maybe answer something like "oh, it was fine, work was busy, but man, I need to poop! I haven't pooped in 3 days. Do you think maybe I am eating too much cheese? Oh wait, I did poop yesterday, but it was just tiny little nuggets, nothing of substance. What are your thoughts about this?" <-- if that conversation just made you vomit a little. Maybe put the baby planning on the back burner for a couple months. I foolishly thought the earth revolved around the sun. HAHAHAHAHAHA, nope it revolves around something a little more brown and oblong. If you deliver your baby in a hospital, usually a lactation consultant will stop by if you request. I think the next person to stop by should be a GI specialist to tell you all the different things you should expect about poop, such as when, how much, color, consistency, when is it too much, not enough, etc. Because this brown, sometimes green, but always dirty subject is awkward to bring up even with the friendliest Pediatrician, not something you can ask your single friends about, and just a topic I'd rather not discuss if I don't have too. I am a lady after all!! So, lets say this hypothetical couple passes the first 2 tests, they LOVE poop, they are comfortable bringing it up in every day conversations. The third and final step... to get up close and personal with it. Situation #1: You are casually changing a diaper... you have the diaper all folded up ready to toss away, and a new diaper on the baby. You get up and see poop all over your elbow!! QUICK!! WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?!?! If you answered, vomit and run around in circles, then you failed. If you answered, continue my life and wipe it off when I have a second, then 2 gold stars for you. Situation #2: You are innocently picking up toys, you open the fridge door on your 2 year olds toy kitchen, and instead of finding a plastic toy pizza, you are faced with a human brown log. Do you A) have a panic attack and start hyperventilating B) Laugh and walk away, and tell your husband to go check out what your kid left in the toy fridge C) Get a disinfectant wipe and flush the poop and wipe out the fridge or D) B then C <-- correct answer is obviously D I hope I didn't ruin the naive, majestic ideology of what parenting really is for anyone out there, but I feel like this is a reality that most moms are stuck quietly living. Just thought I'd shed some light on it. Your welcome.

Things that creep me out...

Ok I promise not all my blog posts will be in list form. Please bear with me...

A) When toys go off when you are no where close to them. I think its either a ghost in my house or an earthquake is coming.
B) When someone says their kid isn't vaccinated. (Not trying to start a debate here!!) I immediately get these visions of small pox running rampant, and the black plague forcing us to remain indoors. Maybe I need to move somewhere more secluded...
C) Strange smells. Moms & pet owners, you know what I am talking about.
D) The Orkin man. Isn't an obsession with killing small animals and insects the gateway into serial killing?
E) hair dolls
F) bathtub and sink drains. Who knows what new mold species and bacterial growths are colonizing in there.
G) "My Baby Can Read" infomercials
H) shag carpet. What the heck is that stuff made of? Is 'shag' a legit material?

Why the heck did I start a blog?

A) because I tend to do everything that mainstream society does... but just 5 years later.
B) because I desperately need an outlet for the random thoughts that appear in my head throughout the day.
C) I have a weird, random and unreliable memory. If I write it down, I might actually remember what I've done in my lifetime!
D) I just wanted to, OK!?